love.

The graphic design company my mother started when my parents got divorced, was always down and more down. She seemed to be working all day and into every night, and although she tried not to show it, she seemed incredibly worried and stressed out all of the time. She worked from home so that she could still be a stay-at-home mom at the same time, but she was attached to her desk chair she would refer to as "the prison."

One December when I was still very young, it was the slow season for my mother's business, with all of her clients on holiday with their families. It was always the slow season, but this year my mother needed to replace her computer, and although I didn't realize at the time how bad the money had gotten, she didn't know what she would do to handle all of the expenses including the upcoming holiday.

It was Christmas morning. Eric, Amara and I always agreed on what time we would get up and open presents so that we did it all together. That morning we rushed out to the livingroom, my mother trailing behind. There, on the floor in front of the tree lie my mothers beat up old PC. It was unwrapped and the cord lay lifeless and tangled. I didn't understand. Santa didn't come? My brother immediately ran over shouting with excitement. I picture him hugging it in his arms and staring at it as if it were precious treasure he'd never seen before, much less something we had owned for years.

Still confused I trekked down the hallway to mom's office where a new computer had suddenly replaced the old one. I remember the green blinking lights up the front that made it look like a space craft, high tech. She was holding back tears I thought were happiness or relief as she said, "Look you guys, Santa brought ME a present this year.."

That was the last time I saw my brother's face. For the rest of our childhood he would be glued to the "kids computer" playing games over the world wide web, which at the time seemed like magic. The back of my brother's head has become quite a distinguishable view of him... and since he became a computer programmer at PANDORA music, back when it still The Savage Beast... (when he was college), the back of his head has been published a number of times.






It's funny that it only occurs to me now as an adult, that my brother must have put on such a big show for us that Christmas just to keep us from crying. I imagine he looked at my mothers face which must have been distraught and splotchy, he would have known how upset she was and decided to try to turn it around. I'm sure if he had said nothing instead of embracing the gift so exstatically, we all would have burst into tears unable to recognize how fortunate all of us really were... just to have each other.